Caution: The following is a long rambling, it might not make sense but I needed a place to vent
I feel so torn. Since my step-grandma died 15 months ago things have been crazy with the family. Things that were said and not followed through with, accusations flying, big misunderstandings, no communication, lawyers, threats, broken trust, etc. I feel like I am really done with. So with one final letter to my dad I think it will be done on my end. It is heart breaking sometimes for me to wonder why material things matter that much and why people would value them more than relationships. I think I may have done that a little, but hey I am only 35 and I have pretty much learned that lesson, move on to something else. I am just trying to understand trials a bit. I think we all had a plan in picking which trials we can handle, not that they would be enjoyable but we could handle it. But I am not sure how I feel about others decisions that impact my own life. IE someone could treat me unfairly and I just need to roll over and forgive immediately. That is such a hard thing for me. I mean screw me once shame on you, screw me twice shame on me. I get really gun shy about getting hurt and being vulnerable again. Especially when it's from the people who as supposed to have your back. I know we each have our agency and we all fought hard for that chance, but it really stinks sometimes. Enough of that, I am emotionally spent.
While reading a book the other day I came across a quote from Elder Maxwell, "Self pity is the most condescending form of pity, it soon cannibalizes all other concerns." I think it can extend beyond just pity. If we think only of ourselves it soon cannibalizes any thoughts for anyone else.
So I am done with it all. At least I can say that I have grown from this experience and I think that is what our trials are for. The refiners fire is hot and I can't expect to get molded if I don't ever get near the heat.
The gang
We started this journey in 1991, married in 1993 and it's been full of changes, excitement, dissapointments, accomplishments, fun, and friendship. What a great ride, glad to be doing it together.
3 comments:
Wow. I can only imagine what it's been like to be dealing with everything you have with your family.
I love that you have made a decision to let it go and refuse to be pulled down by the situation. It's one of the toughest things to do, but in the end it is what will make us who we need to be.
You are cool.
You are an amazing women who is so bold in understanding what she needs to work on, works on it and then accomplishes another trial. I learn more and more about you each day I see you or I talk on the phone with you.
Boy I hear you! I have witnessed so much these past few years with my sisters and even now neighbors. It ticks me off when other people's stupid choices start affecting me. It doesn't seem fair at all. If you figure it all out please enlighten me. I think it's good just to let it go. What makes me feel so bad is how your mom must feel on the other side watching all this chaos. She probably wants to reach through the veil and strangle a few people. I hope it all works out. Good luck!
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